Censored

Do you ever have those moments in life where someone tells you that you can’t do this, you don’t understand, you’re wrong, and you’re not capable of doing the thing that you’ve trained for half of your life? Try listening to those negative statements from the same person every time you talk to them. Even though you’re more than capable of performing the tasks ahead of you and more qualified to perform them than the person telling you that you’re incapable, you start to doubt yourself. 

I have been exposed to a toxic person. A person who has narcissistic personality disorder…or is a sociopath…the debate is out on the actual prognosis. Two things are for sure, he’s always right and never to blame. He’s a charmer, master manipulator, liar, and incapable of loving anyone but himself. If manipulation and charm don’t work, he will throw tantrums to get his way. He will yell and threaten and put you down until you cede to his every whim. He is not one to give in and be told no. 

He will win and you better let him or he will destroy you however he can. 

If he is called out on any of his actions, he will find a way to blame someone else, spin it so that it was their fault, or change the topic by throwing something at you that you messed up in the past, no matter how big or small. He will yell, berate, and repeat until the topic is no longer on him, but on you and how incapable you are of doing or understanding things, that in reality, you know far more about than he does.

This is what his type does and he will not or can not change, no matter how much you believe he can. I, for one, know he’s incapable of change, of caring, of compassion and can’t comprehend why others still believe there’s hope. I don’t understand why others think he can be reasoned with. “If only you would talk to him and explain things, then he would change his mind.”

I tried reasoning a year ago. It didn’t work. I tried again and again. Others have too. It doesn’t work. Eventually, you give up on the idea of reasoning with a person with his type of mental disorder. You start losing your will to fight them. You start losing hope that there’s anyway to escape them. You start believing their threats. You start to lose your voice and your sense of self along with it. 

I’ve never felt more down and alone than I do now. I have great friends and family who support me, but they don’t fully understand what has been happening. I’m a strong person, if I weren’t, I would have believed his words long ago and either given in to him or attempted suicide because that’s how bad it is. That’s how bad he makes you feel. Thats how you feel having to deal with him every week. That’s how bad it gets when you have the strength and courage to stand up to a sociopath. He attacks you every way he can at the least possible cost to him because he is a master manipulator after all.

What makes things worse is that people have seen what he has done, how he has behaved, and done nothing but ignore it. Either they don’t care to stand up to fight him or it would be bad for business if they did. How can you stand there and watch what he does and not do anything because it might look bad or he might attack you? If enough people stand up, then he won’t have a choice. He can’t attack everyone. 

In reality, I’m the only one standing up. I’m the only one daring to tell him “no”. And I’m exhausted and tired and my will to fight is wiped out. I need help. I need others to be strong with me. But they are too concerned with letting a city’s revitalizing and much needed business go down or be sold off to someone who is actually honest and worthy of their support. 

I have been verbally and mentally abused for over a year by someone I consider to be a sociopath, though others would argue he just has NPD. Due to threats that have arisen, for the first time in my life, I feel my voice is being censored. I’ve never known what it felt like to not be able to be open and honest and express my emotions…what few I let the outside world see. Due to his threats, I can no longer voice my opinion openly. I can no longer be honest to myself and others about him and his behavior. I no longer have freedom of speech. I no longer have the correct opinion, something that is inherently supposed to be mine and can not be right nor wrong.

After what will probably be a lengthy legal battle, unless I choose to give up and let him have everything for absolutely nothing in return, I will finally have freedom, my voice back, and hopefully regain my self and my happiness. 

Thank you to the friends and family that have supported me. Thank you to absolutely no one for standing with me and fighting him. Thank you to society for making the world a place where sociopath’s can do what they want and not suffer any consequences. Thank you to a society that values perception over right and wrong. Thank you for ignoring what you have seen because it might be hard to stomach or deal with. 

Thank you for not speaking out because in remaining silent, you have silenced my voice as well. 

In every cause, someone has to lead and speak for those who cannot. If you do not, then they cannot. I was that person. Due to legal threats, I can no longer be. Now it’s up to all of you. Speak up, speak out, and speak loud against the bullies of the world.